Hey guys, I’m back again with another Rant.
I’ll start by asking a simple question, “If someone messes up in a relationship, should they say sorry now? & if they didn’t say sorry right then and there but you let them back in, do you still deserve an apology?”
I know that’s a tricky question and some of you are afraid to answer, but that’s okay most people feel the same way. I thought about this question when someone I love dearly came to me and told me she and her man were on the outs again. To be perfectly honest I wasn’t a least bit shocked. So of course she wanted to sit down and talk to me about the situation.
I am always the shoulder, the advice giver and that’s fine with me, but my friends and family also know that I don’t beat around the bush and I am harshly honest when it comes to my answers. They have a saying, “If you’re afraid to hear brutal truth, then you shouldn’t talk to Jaiy.” I’m perfectly fine with that. I have never been the type to sugar coat things. I feel that if I baby you then the outcome will be horribly bad for them.
So back to the story, when I arrived to talk with her, she was crying. I looked up and I said to myself, “This is going to be a long one.” Please don’t laugh—it’s true. I sit down and she goes on to tell me the story of what has happened this time.
She says they were having a “Truth Moment” and in this moment they were supposed to tell the honest to god truth and she won’t get married. How many men would trust that? And how many women would actually mean it? Honestly I know when it comes out of your mouth; you mean it, but when you hear the truth you run and cry and are pissed off. Then we have broken arms and limbs. ..lol.
Ok I’ve digressed, back to the story. So in this “truth moment” she said she asked him if he felt they were in a relationship when he cheated.
Cliff notes version: He cheated some 3 to 4 years ago, she let him move in after he cheated. They were together, with trust issues and all. Then she heard from his ex (seriously-- why is what I asked her. Why are you conversing with his ex?) That when he cheated with the other girl, he was saying my friend and he weren’t together. Ok everyone got that?
So now she asked him in this moment did he feel they were together? He turned away and answered no. So now she’s hurt. Because she feels that he needs to apologize to her for cheating. She tells me “He still hasn’t apologized for cheating on me”
I simply looked her in the face and told her that I was not sympathetic to her cause and I do not feel sorry for her. When she let him back in to her home she should have demanded an apology right then and there. She said he knew he was wrong and it’s common sense that he should have know that he was obligated to apologize to her. Of course I had to tell her, what’s common sense to you is not common sense to everyone all the time. Certain things are agreed upon globally, and then some things are agreed upon nationally, etc. etc… all the way until you get to things that are considered common sense to a particular individual.
Now ladies please don’t jump down my throat about my stance on this. I am a woman and I understand the pain, but if an apology was something she needed in order to get past his past, then she should have demanded the apology BEFORE she let him move into her home. I can’t feel sorry for you if you demand it right then and there. Now it’s 3 to 4 years later and you’re demanding an apology.
Which brings us back to the question at hand: If someone messes up in a relationship, should they say sorry now? & if they didn’t say sorry right then and there, and you let them back in, do you still deserve an apology?” My answer is No. If he apologized years down the line, it wouldn’t be heart felt because at this point he’d just be doing something to appease you. It’s equivalent to putting a child on punishment hours after they’ve done the wrong thing. It becomes irrelevant and forgetful, because they’ve forgotten what they’re being punished for. And yes I do understand that when you demand it and you mention in to them as to why they must apologize, Technically they know, but they’re minds don’t know, because they feel this situation was believed to be behind them , because you two have gone on with life as planned, as if nothing happened.
So ladies & gentlemen if you significant other does something to hurt you, demand and apolofy right now, and don’t wait until it’s years later.
Thanks for reading my rants & raves section, check back often to read more rants and raves.
We’ve all heard of the 80/20 rule. You know the one where someone is giving 80% in a relationship and it’s supposed to be great. Everybody clings to being the “80”. It seems to be the thing to be. I find it very funny that people would want someone to settle for 80% when there’s someone out here willing to give 100.
The rule is supposed to remind you that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, well I say, “Just say that”. It’s more straight forward than 80/20 rule. No one in their right mind wants only 80% of anything. Not when there’s 100% percent somewhere out there.
The lure of the 20% is so strong, because they are missing that part. And what’s so crazy is a lot of the times, the twenty percent they are missing is something in the more intimate area. A lot of the lure is sexual.
Well here’s my story,
The other day my sister & I were sitting around having one of our usual casual talks about love, relationships & sex. I’m going to be honest I was a little bit jealous of the fact that she has live-in loving (for those who don’t know, that’s when someone lives with their significant other, and getting loving is fairly easy). I was running on week 6 since I’ve last had some and we were joking around about getting some, and I was telling her she should be fully satisfied. She then went on to tell me that she doesn’t have sex that often. I was shocked to say the least.
She then went to tell me how her man was like a rabbit and wanted to have sex all the time. In her own words she stated, “Nobody can have sex that much”. I laughed and said somebody can-- you’re man. Then she told me that in the beginning they did it all the time, but she has stopped giving it to him as often as she used to.
Ok so does anyone see what’s wrong with that statement? That brings me to the Lure of The 20%. My sister is a wonderful woman , she knows how to be a great home maker. She takes care of her children, she’s always looking to grow and better herself. She’s one of those power women that you look at and strive to be. So of course when she told me that she wasn’t giving it up as often as she used I was shocked.
I began to tell her about the lure of the 20%. I know everyone’s heard of the 80/20 rule. If you haven’t, I’ll explain the concept to you. It states that in a relationship /marriage you’re only going to get 80%. It also states that someone will be out there offering 20% and you’ll leave the 80 for the 20% thinking it’s better than what you have. Well I’m that person you never want to talk to about that saying, because I will tell you right then and there, just quote “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side” because I feel like I should NEVER have to settle for 80% when there’s someone out there that will give me 100%.
In a relationship you should always give 100% throughout the whole relationship. Not just in the beginning. Here’s why I say that. There’s always a 20 somewhere lurking around and ready to give that man what you’re not giving him.
Now what’s shocking is that most people I talk to say the same thing. They don’t have sex as often or there’s no more romance in their relationship. They aren’t aggressive, assertive, romantic, or sexual. Now whenever I talk to my sisters and friends about this, they always tell me they are shy when it comes to that. Are you kidding me? These are men that they’ve been in a relationship for years. Sex is nothing new to them. So why is it so hard to do the romantic things? Why is it so hard to express desires with him? Come on let's loosen up a little.
Romance goes two ways, it’s not just used to describe things a man should do for his woman, but also things a woman should do for her man. Once again The lure of the 20, because she is going to be the one that gives your man that intimacy that he craves.
Lying on your back and flipping in a few different positions is not giving your man what he deserves. A man wants romance, just as much as women do. They may not come right out and say it, but take it from a woman who’s become that French Maid for her lover, just on a whim, they will enjoy it. Doing something romantic for your man shouldn't only fall on special occasions and holidays, they should done the second that idea comes to your mind. We women see a romantic idea and say oooh I'll do that for him for Valentines day, anniversary etc etc... it can be close to three months for that holiday or special occasion to come. And you're sitting on that idea. Why not whip out that idea when it comes to mind, and when the special occasion comes around think of something else.
We women are making it too easy for the other woman to take our men. We assume that being that super woman in all other areas will keep him around. To be honest it's not. Think about it like this, when that other woman whispers that tantalizing sentence in a man's ear, a man that’s getting 100% will walk away, a man that’s getting 80% will engage in a conversation. Of course it doesn’t happen exactly that way, but when a woman is putting out signals, they can tell the man that’s paying close attention and they can pursue; they have intuitions just as well as the woman who’s in the relationship.
Yes I know a lot of women will dislike me for this blog, but honestly it’s time we stop being the victim, blaming the other woman, and take responsibility for the things we aren’t doing in the relationship anymore. There are millions of articles and blogs with women crying about how their man doesn’t do this or that anymore, but seriously have we looked in the mirror. Have we checked to see what it is we are no longer doing in the relationship? Where is that encouraging nature we once had, that willingness to give it to him anytime or anywhere, the flirtatiousness in your voice when telling him the simplest things? If we continued to do those little things then maybe the other woman wouldn’t have been able to come and seduce our men.
Is the 20 really a bad person, no, it’s that lure of something missing that draws the man to her in the first place. I don’t know who said it first but this quote says it the best “What you won’t do another will” Don’t be mad when they offer the services you’re not willing to offer.
If you need some tips don’t be afraid, just ask a question on my W.I.T. page, or check out the Romantic Thoughts page I’m more than happy to help you come up with new ideas, because we all want 100% (You do too, admit it), so offer 100% and you’ll receive 100%.
Side note: It’s not always intimacy that makes a man cheat, so the best thing to do is communicate with your lover and find out what it is, because there had to be something that drew him to that 20% .
Well that’s my Rant of the month. Check back often to read more.
In 2012 we have lost touch with one another. there's no more communication between each other. Are we, men and women, so insecure that we can no longer pick up the phone and have a voiced conversation? Instead we text & email all day where there's virtually no emotion.
Okay so here's the story. I started emailing with a guy off of a social networking website. We all know those sites are more like hunting grounds for potential dates. Of course we go on the sites to either A: play games, B: find old friends that we haven't talked to in a long time or C: to network. I don’t know anyone who goes on these sites hoping to find their new man, or woman, but it’s a pitfall it happens from time to time. You’re pictures are up there and anyone can see them. Just as if you were walking down the street and a girl or guy sees you and likes what he/she sees, they are going to approach you.
On these social websites things aren’t any different. If someone is browsing through pictures, and they see something they like, they will send you an email. They want to get to know that person behind the pretty smile, nice butt , and nice build that they like.
So back to my story, I’m on this particular website (Which I went to, to play a few of their games) when a guy sends me a message and asks to get to know me. I of course checked out his picture to see if I would be attracted to him. He was a handsome guy, so I messaged him back. I told him I have no problem with getting to know someone new.
We did the typical back and forth emails. You know the ones where you ask all of the normal questions (Name, do they have children, likes, dislikes, job status etc…). For a total of two months we emailed back and forth, now the emails started to become very simple, one and two word emails, asking the same things all the time.
I was tired of it, so I gave the guy my phone number. Fifteen minutes after I gave him my phone number I received a text message. I said to myself ok, and I texted him back. It was fine for the first few days, but again I grew tired of this. I texted him and asked him to give me a call. He did.
We had a nice conversation and things were going well, at least I thought; until the next day I received a message saying good morning. I, of course texted him back. I didn’t think anything of it. It was early in the morning, so I was fine with just texting him back at that moment. We both had very busy schedules, so for all I knew he could be busy and just getting a quick message to me once he got some free-time.
The day passed on and he continued to text me. I let it go. The next day I received more text messages. I was saying to myself seriously--this is getting ridicules. To say I was aggravated would be an understatement.
The next day I received a text message yet again. This time I was already well into my day and so I didn’t answer. I figured a man would pick up the phone and call, but you know that saying, “You don’t get paid for thinking”? Well it definitely rang true here, because he didn’t call. Instead, a few days later I received a message on that same website. He asked was I mad at him? I was livid. I said, “Call me”. Instead he continued to email me on the site. The email asked me, why I couldn’t just tell him how I felt about the situation on here. I asked, “What situation?” I continued to tell him to call me, but I guess it wasn’t sinking in his head. Then he had the nerve to email me and tell me he erased my phone number out of his phone because he THOUGHT I was mad at him, but he really liked me. Then he asked if he could have my number again. Are you kidding me?
I was too through with him by then. I told him how I felt about the whole situation. Granted maybe I should have told him I hate constant texting in the beginning, but one would assume that in this world of dating and trying to get to know someone you would want to call and hear a person’s voice. Hear the emotion that their voice holds or hear the laughter when something amusing has been said.
I felt like; we are both well over twenty and should know how to communicate with one another. In this day and age it’s scary to think that we have lost the true sense of communication. The emotional attachment we receive from the sound of someone’s voice. I feel like we are too old to sit around and text all day. We are not teenagers.
In 2012 people seem to believe that moving to the next level is to text someone? If you’re already emailing back and forth then sending a text message is no different. Texting is equivalent to emailing. It’s still just words on a screen, no emotion added. A person can add all of the cute little emoticons and text abbreviations (i.e. lol, lmao, :) etc…) all they want, but how am I, as the receiver on the other end of that, supposed to know that you’re really laughing your ass off or laughing out loud or actually smiling? (Yes you can hear a smiling person on the phone, just as you can hear a person that’s sad). Words can say anything, but a voice will tell it all.
Maybe I’m old fashioned when it comes to these types of things, but hey I want what I want, and I want real verbal communication. Give me a call NOT a text!!
Well that’s my Rant for this week make sure to comment and check back often to see more rants & raves from my little mind.